How To Be A Hipster

Chad Chad Chaderston Greetings oh unenlightened one! I'm Chad "Chad" Chaderston famed Hipster and leader of the cultural zeitgeist. Where I accessorise, others do follow.

Below you'll find a hand selected collection of the finest Hipster wares with an explanation how they fit into the complex world view of my people. From Hipster Clothing, through Hipster Accessories to perfect Hipster gifts we'll show you not only what, but the all important why.

American Apparel The Disco Short Small-yellow

Some may think that spending $52 for 3 inches of gold fabric is like being bent over a table and penis shafted by an angry dwarf. A hipster knows better than that. They understand that minimalism does not come cheap. Minimalism that draws attention to the crotch by wrapping it in form-fitting, faux gold? Well, that's obviously worth all the chopsticks in China, ain't it now, sonny.

$52.00

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The Hipster Kit - Hipster in a box

You can't pigeon hole us! But you can take everything we care about and condense it down to fit snugly in a presentation white gift box. Its got all the staples of Hipster humanity from - a haiku compatible notebook, temporary tattoos, vinyl, retro hipster glasses. Of course a kit like this will only get you some of the way. You'll need to conjure mountains of indifference and carts of emotional baggage, but hey, you gotta start somewhere.

$30.00

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David Bowie - On Vinyl!

It's been well proven by scientists that listening to modern music gives you cancer of the ear canal. You cannot afford to risk it. The solution is old music. Listening to old music makes you seem mysterious and exotic and thoughtful and wisdomy. Yes wisdomy is a word, Look it up numbnuts. This is David Bowie's self-titled album, that means its extra old and therefore authentic since it doesn't even have like a proper name.

$45.99

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GeoCentral Excavation Dig Kit - Treasures Of The Earth

Do you know what was here before like people and stuff? What was like way totally ahead of the populist curve? Rocks! Rocks have seen it all before people! Literally....since they were the first things to arrive at this little popularity contest we call earth. Respect them, they contain wisdom. Or at least chalk and nature shizzle like that.

$15.89

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Hipster 80s Hitler.

As a Hipster you'll want to polarise. No, polarise is not a verb for using your Polarioid camera to take photos of your turtle Jeremiah. It's about dividing opinion, stupid! Let me dumb it down for you, it's about being edgy and making people say "oh no he/she didn't!". Oh yes he/she did wear a mashup Adolf Hitler/1980s neon t-shirt. Oh yes he/she did.....

$28.14

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Pig In A Poke - Bacon Soap

As a Hipster your daily hygiene should leave plenty to the imagination. You don't have time to deodorise, god damn it! You have poetry to write and a zine to edit and cupcakes to bake. With that in mind we're not exactly sure what you will do with this bacon soap. Probably you can just leave it in the bathroom you painted completely black as a political statement about the continued persecution of Amazonian tribes. It'll make it smell nice. Or of bacon, at least.

$5.99

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How To Start Your Own Country

We Hipsters, we’re going to over throw the system. The time is coming. We can feel it in the air. It may not be tomorrow. It may not be next year. But, it will happen and when it does, we’ll be there, at front of the ensuing medley wearing our Che Guevera t-shirts and serving our revolutionary comrades slices of delicious homemade Quiche. Here is some advance reading for you, future ruler of humanity. May I also say how nice you look today? You really do. Honest.

$9.40

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Bible Flask

I'm pretty sure Jesus liked a tipple or two of the good stuff. I mean logically, if you'd been out all day curing lepers and cripples and stuff then no wonder you'd be turning all the water you could into wine, right? Yeah. So its official folks, Jesus wants you to drink, but naturally, to show modesty about it. That's why you need - The Bible Flask.

$20.00

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WTF Stamp

When you think about it, a lot of things are WTF - parking tickets, tax bills, people who wear anoraks. That's just a few examples off the top of my head. When life presents you with WTF, present it back The WTF stamp. Particularly good for the foreheads of enemies and the unfashionable. They really have to learn.

$13.00

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Black Rock Collective Playing Card Deck Vol 2

Card decks are a nice metaphor for people. Some are jokers, some are diamonds, some are total queeens, some are ummmmmmm, errrrrr, okay its not a very expansive metaphor just yet, but whatever! Anyway, just like people, some card decks look better than others and you'll want to be one, and own the other. Like these 54 artist designed playing cards from the Black Rock Collective.

$20.00

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Smart Pills

The problem with being a smart modern day digital bohemian is that you will be forever surrounded by your lesser evolved, dumber, worse dressed brethren. What can you do about their stupidity? Smart Pills. Shower the stupid in these intellect boosting mint snacks and lets collectively drag the last of the Neanderthals out of the dark (or at least analog) ages.

$6.00

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Champ Stamps - Hipster Temporary Tattoos.

There is nothing worse than a blank canvas. That is why God, in his almighty and bearded wisdom, created the tattoo. Use them lavishly and with casual disregard for context and appropriateness.

5,90 €

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Moustache Cookie Cutter Set

Cupcake > Cookie < Moustache Cookie ≠ Cupcake. Maths > My Intellect. The future has been decided and it belongs to the Hipster Hirsute. Accessorise your culinary manliness with these Moustache cookie cutters templates.

$15.00

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Custom Dog Collar of Tiny Owls

These are a few of your favourite things! Yep, that's right, the owl dog collar offers a rare opportunity for you to: a) Combine both the love you have for your Pug dog with the love you and all we fellow Hipsters have for owls. b) Give your Pug a complex about what animal it actually is. C) Support some poor artist type on Etsy who needs money for chocolate milk and sewing utensils.

$21.95

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Ironic Where's Wally Fancy Dress Outfit

Even though carnival comes but once a year, dressed as Waldo you'll be able to every night. Yep. Ba-Boom. in many ways Waldo is the antithesis of everything important to the Hipster - badly dressed, doesn't stand out in a crowd. So why dress up like him with this Where's Wally Fancy Dress outfit? To be ironic, of course.

$30.00

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Complex visual metaphor as Giant Chicken Costume

At first glance this may look like a fancy dress costume for that of a Giant Chicken. Look again. It's actually a complex visual metaphor for the 99% of society who do not act with honesty and integrity and don't even care about orphans and global warming and haiku's and stuff like that. They are societal Giant Chickens. Let them know by.......dressing up as them and squawking incessantly until they change or at least get a Toyota Prius.

$110.00

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Feelings are boring, kissing is awesome t-shirt.

There's a time and place for the display of feelings, and that's drunkenly updating your Tumblr poetry blog TheTardIsHigh at 3am. For all other times stop your thinking, start your kissing. If you have no-one to kiss, I recommend taking a Polariod of yourself in your favourite neon leotard and giving that a good tonguing.

$18.25

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Hipster Tote Bag

A cloth tardis for the tardy. The only thing that might not fit in this generously proportioned Hipster Tote Bag is your emotional baggage. Heads will turn in the vegan cafe when you arrive sporting this informational and most importantly, ironic little number.

7,00 €

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Video Recording Super Spy Pen

Sadly, idiocy is not a monopoly. It's closer to a global epidemic. The good news is--this provides great comedic fodder for you and your Hipster friends, laughing at the stupidity of others. Captures that stupidity for posterity and tumblr content with this secret video recording pen.

$25.78

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Serenity Prayer Coin

Life is tough. You know this. One moment everything is swimming along just find, then KABOOM you open the fridge and....you ran out of lychees! No problem, you can nip down to Wholefoods and....SHIT STICKS - you can't, its 1am on a Sunday. For moments like this, pray for the serenity to accept the things you cannot change. This coin works with all Gods including Bill Murray.

$12.00

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Why Bother?

Being a Hipster means recognising the futility of everything. Your favourite band will just get popular and sell out. Your boyfriend will go bald. You will get fat. Your Etsy Che Guevera crochet will fail to sell. Even in your darkest hour, it is a Hipster requirement that you accessorise thoughtfully and appropriately. This "Why Bother" tote bag is your opportunity.

$16.00

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Your DNA as a Portrait.

Just like all the other 6.9bn people on this giant rock, you are unique and special and worth celebrating. How many other people can say they own every single Radiohead album, on vinyl? Exactly. You're one of a kind, as proven by this portrait of your DNA. It's emphasising what's uniquely you, by wrapping it thoughtfully in a plastic mass produced frame from China.

$149.99

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Edible Cupcakes With Added Youness

A true Hipster loves two things above anything else - their own face and cupcakes. This has presented a fiscal opportunity the nice people of capitalism have rushed to fill. Yes, now you can get cupcakes with your own face on. People will literally eat your face! Well probably not, you are pretty handsome, they'll probably just lick the bejesus out of it and call it a day.

$18.50

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Hipster Unicorn Birthday Card

Usually Hipsters don't make a big deal about birthdays. Firstly they are not very elitist, everyone has one. Secondly they mean you are getting older and so the odds of your freak folk band winning a Grammy are ever diminishing. Celebrate a Hipsters birthday tactfully, using this greeting card featuring two of our favourite things - Unicorns and magic.

$3.00

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Yoga & You - Cramping your way to inner peace

Everyone knows that really Yoga is nothing more groups of middle aged people contorting themselves uncomfortably to candle light and whale music. What's important is that it is a bit exotic and hails from the magical East, home of the spiritually enlightened. Get acquanted with the basics and then you can start wearing loose clothing and heckling strangers about their misaligned Chakra.

$24.44

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Sequin Fanny Pack - Solid Colors

As a Hipster you'll have an abundance of important items to carry around - mirror, chapstick, zine, crayons, aubergines, inflated sense of self importance etc etc. For times when you don't have a Tote Bag you'll require a Fanny Pack. Part fat waist pocket thing, part ironic 80s fashion faux pas you are making hip again. This is a particularly good one because each sequin is the actual colour of real dolphin tears.

$19.95

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Hipster Cowboy Clothing

The Wild West would have been a great time to be a Hipster. Firstly outfit coordination was valued highly. Secondly, you didn't really have to do all that much. Mostly the work seemed to be done by Horses, Guns or Indians. That would have left plenty of time for the Hipster Cowboy to saunter around the saloon and hector people on THE correct way to prepare a Japanese Wasabi Salad. They had Japanese Wasabi Salads then, right? Otherwise please ignore everything else I just said.

$24.95

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The Hipstery - Mystery t-shirt experience

All Hipsters know that Science is important. It's irrefutable and so can be used to instantly win any argument. All you have to do is *insert your own harebrained theory* during *banal topic of discussion" and then when its disputed by say "it was proven by SCIENTISTS". If your idiotic companions still look unsure, add "in a laboratory and stuff!" The Hipstery is kinda like that, only they combine science with fashion. They'll also make you laugh. Not a bad combo.

22,00 €

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You Were There First - Threadless T-shirt

If there was a private club for people who had eyebrows, it would not be a very exclusive club. If they had a club for people who owned Threadless shirts, its membership would be at least twice the size as said eyebrow club. Wearing a Threadless shirt is not about being an elitist, it's about buying skanky old ones on eBay, and and then stopping every person you see wearing newer versions of it and telling them how much better Threadless was in ye olde days of 2001, before the cotton lemming masses like them came along.

$10.00

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Some old movie by Wes Anderson

Liking Wes Anderson is a requirement. Your challenge is to convince people that his movies and hilariously off beat characters speak *to* _you_ more profoundly than they ever could to your asian lesbian friend Zoblin. Only own Bottle Rocket his oldest feature length movie and if questioned claim you only got it because you met Wes at a party in an abandoned lighthouse in Slovakia in in 1993. He also gave you a copy of the original 14min short version, later shown at that sell out elitist festival Sundance, that you have in a safety deposit box somewhere in Williamsburg and will fund your retirement.

$29.99

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Ironic Huge Hipster Virility Spectacles

As all children of the 1980s know, Lion-o from Thundercats had a magic sword that gave him "sight beyond sight". Hipsters have learnt that vintage glasses bless them with similar ethereal powers. Its as if they somehow collect the wisdom of the ancients and when worn provide the endless fuel of all Hipsters pithy and sarcastic conversational power.

3,00 €

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Skinny Jeans

Your Wasabi Nut and Ginger diet has paid off and now you need the perfect trousers to flaunt your taut, size zero pins. Mankind has long struggled with the decision of whether to wear red or black jeans. These novel wonders combine BOTH red and black skinny jeans, creating something not quite as good as either. 97% cotton, 3% spandex, 100% batman villain.

$34.50

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How to Speak Wookiee: A Manual for Intergalactic Communication (Star Wars)

The culturally enlightened understand that speaking just one language is to toil in a linguistic prison. But which second language to learn? German (roboterhaft), French (clichéd), Mandarin (热门), Japanese (Ah-nah-tah wa ha-ruh no ee-chee ban no sah-ku-rah yo-ree u-tsu-ku-shee.). Nope, not contenders.May we be bold enough to suggest - Wookiee! It's obscure, lives on the fringes of pop culture and will get you laid. Bitches love the Wookiee.

$11.53

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Vinyl LP Record Bowl - Diva Genre

This vinyl record bowl offers great potential for technology based visual irony. Make a tongue in cheek statement about the fidelity superiority of your beloved vinyl, while using it to house all the newer, inferior audio formats that have made it redundant. Store all the cassette mixtapes, minidisc mixtapes, cd mixtapes, usb stick mixtapes your hipster ex-partners gave you, ready to be reused to woo the next anorexic androgynous plaything that comes your way.

$26.99

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You Doo Doll

As a truly unique thinker, the Ghandi of your generation, people really heart you. They seriously heart you a lot. You're a powerful personality. Unfortunately there is only one of you. Until now. This kit will allow you to clone yourself in miniature format. Combined with a moleskin of your best emo poetry and polaroids of your cat Schrödinger, this is the gift everyone you have ever met really hopes they'll receive from you this year.

$10.52

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Elephant Poop Photo Frame

This conversation piece is actually treated elephant poop, specially adapted to form this literally shitty photo frame. The gags for this product write themselves, I'm barely trying here. You'll have so many one liners for this gift - "Look at (person in photo), all up in my shit.....photo frame", "Now that photo frame is the shit, let me tell you." "That? It's a piece of crap....elephant"

$14.00

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Space Hipster Food

In the future man will sit in the living room of his intergalatic space cruiser, look back and belly laugh at us primative humans living on "planets" and eating vegan lasagne and stuff. Space is the place folks and so naturally, hipsters will want to get there first so they can wait for others to arrive and tell them how much better it was in ye olde space days and how space has really sold out now. That's all a little way off yet, but fellow Hipsters, you can get started right with the cuisine of the future - space food.

$19.99

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Bon Freakin' Iver

Take Jesus then teach him to play Guitar. Next, let him embark and an emotionally scarring, ultimately unsuccessful relationship with Phil Collins which breaks his heart. Next put him in a log cabin and let him stew in his own mope for a year and the result is Bon Iver, the band single-handedly fuelling 70% of all the worlds bad emo poetry. Like it, learn it, pine to it, imitate it. Endure and repeat.

$14.98

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Grow your own coffee

Hipster drink? Well that’s easy to get a handle on, if you excuse a pun. ROFL! For Hipsters, drink can be separated into two important categories - fair-trade coffee and other liquids. The first is encouraged...no more than encouraged...implored. Other liquids are treated with suspicion, but begrudgingly accepted during times in which fair trade, local sources, ethical, sustainable coffee is not available. It doesn't get more local, more sustainable, truer, than growing your own coffee, in a plastic kit in a corner of the Williamsberg loft daddy pays for.

$9.90

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Nature Shizzle Shower Curtain

Hipsters, due to their superior cultural enlightenment and regular midnight park walks, enjoy nature on a more profound level than normal people, as demonstrated by our commitment to recycling and helping injured animals and buying soya milk and stuff. Hipsters understand the importance of the water cycle. Therefore you can showcase your respect for that natural cycle by showering or pooping next to these artistic nature themed shower curtains.

$55.00

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Guerilla Gardening Kit

Guerilla gardening is pretty much perfect Hipster territory. Firstly, no-one does it because its pretty retarded and involves doing someone else's gardening, for free. A service people have traditionally been willing to pay for, for I don't know....centuries. Doing it for them is not an act of rebellion on your part, it's just not valuing your own time. But we hipsters got a lot of that, so its okay, and since it makes no sense, no-one but Hipsters and hippies are doing it, so it remains an underground hobby, making it perfectly Hipster. This kit will help you get started.

$19.99

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Official Barney Stinson Armani Grey Suitjamas

The closest a true Hipster will have to a job is selling their nitted baby hats on etsy. So reasons to wear a suit are limited to weddings and a little cousin Jimmys Bar Mitzvah. At least until now. This unique Armani suit style pyjamas allows you to mock the puppets of capitalism every night during your slumber. Bonus points for irony if you wear it out to that hip new vegan cafe.

$99.95

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Bill Murray Print

Did you know that Bill Murray has a rare medical condition called Fortyfiveitus? Sufferers exit the womb not as children but fully grown forty five year olds in a quirky but uplifting mid life crisis phase. It's believed only Bill Murray suffers from this condition and it explains why he does not age and was never young. Hipsters understand this and they think its very brave of Bill Murray to have essentially just played the exact same character (himself) in all of his movies during the last twenty years. They don't even laugh or make jokes about the irony that he was the lead in Groundhog Day. They consider it a biopic.

$16.00

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Endangered Species Black Panther, Extreme Dark Chocolate (88%), 3-Ounce Bars (Pack of 12)

Hipsters don't like the mechanical animal act of transfer from food to energy, no, after all they have a 0.1% body fat index to maintain. Instead they enjoy the story of food. The theatre of cuisine, if you will. So, their favourite chocolate is the one with the best story, the environmentally friendly, fair trade, zero food mile, negative carbon chocolate with the visionary founder who donates 107% of his wages to under-privileged Africans so that they can grow up to be Astronauts and world renowned Ballerinas.

$25.70

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Insurance for Dummies

Hipsters don’t have jobs, they have callings. How do you know when you’ve found your calling? It doesn’t call back. Yep, being a Hipster is not about having career success, it’s about toiling for long periods unrecognised in your abundant genius. It would have been really boring if your gallery show of artistic black and white fire exit photographs had been well attended. No, what you need is neglect and bitterness, bitterness will drive you forward, bitterness will make you great. You will endure and eventually one day, you will give up and sell out, taking a job selling stationery or insurance. For then, you'll need this.

$14.03

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Ich Werde Ein Berliner; How to be a Really Hip German

At some point, as a true Hipster, the time will come to move abroad. Living abroad will make you seem much more mysterious and culturally dense in the eyes of your peers, at least until they follow you and move in just down the street. When living abroad, don’t learn the language of your new home. That will make you much less exotic and would leave less time for painting watercolours of your cat. Instead, just lightly sprinkle what you say with a few choice words from that language, as you might pesto on pasta.

£7.30

gbp

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The Humble Fixie

Ah, the humble fixie. A Hipsters best friend. Humble because it has no actual features, having had them all removed in the name of simplicity. Remember Fred Flintstones car? This is the modern day bicycling equivalent of Fred Flintstones car. it doesn't matter that it has no brakes, since you'll be riding as slow as possible anyway, to make sure everyone sees how beautifully primitive your ride is.

$429.00

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Hipster Business Cards

In the world of the Hipster, walking the walking is almost exclusively about talking the talk. That's made easier if you live a colourful existence. We Hipsters want drama, intrigue, anecdotes. It's nice that you sell carpet and live with your parents and your favourite type of cheese is Leerdammer, but sorry, it's not enough. Reinvent yourself with these fake business cards, become a rocket scientist, a private detective, a ukulele rockstar and more.

$4.00

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There you have it. Enlightenment. Now you have been set free.....free to watercolour. To catalogue beard styles. To volunteer at an Owl sanctuary. To irony like its 1979. Compost, compose, collect and confabulate.

Still feel ignorant to our superiorities? Wish there was a map, a guide, a bible to cool? Well sir, you're in luck. We wrote one. It's called "How To Be A Hipster - An Informative Guide".